Headgear and the beautiful game.
Given the current climates of debates (presidential, veep, etc.), we bring to you the classic debate doing the rounds at dinner tables. So what’s with the soccer headgear?
Moderator: What do you think of the use of soccer headgear in kids’ leagues?
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: I am glad the use of soccer headgear is catching on rapidly in the leagues my kids play in. It’s been shown over time that heading the ball is the largest contributor to concussions on the field after banging heads, contact with the ground, running into goalposts, smacking one’s head with the palm of the right hand over missed goal opportunities and post-scoring celebrations.
Super-cool ‘Love of the Game’ crazy Dad: Ah... let them play. They’re only getting tougher this way. What are you going to do next? Strap on simulator headgear so they can run and slide and tackle the other team (probably on a different field altogether) virtually?
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Not a bad idea, actually…
Super-cool ‘Love of the Game’ crazy Dad: Shoot! I was being sarcastic….
Moderator: You have raised an interesting point… Does that mean you aim to lobby for the ban of post game celebrations and players piling on each other right after they score?
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Absolutely. That’s the next item on my agenda. Kids have no business celebrating. If any of it needs to be done, we will do it on their behalf on a practice field right by the game pitch.
Super-cool ‘Love of the Game’ crazy Dad: Hmm… I suppose I wouldn’t mind THAT if moms were involved too… (Chuckles…)
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Creep! Stop being gross….
Super-cool ‘Love of the Game’ crazy Dad: Well, you suggested it. I was just considering feasibility.
Moderator: Returning to the issue at hand, why do you suppose this issue is under consideration only in the US (where it’s not a big sport) and not in, say, European countries – where its popularity is second to none?
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Ok, let’s see… the Irish and Scots are too drunk to care, the Germans probably think it’s a great skull strengthening exercise, the French don’t have much to lose, the Middle Eastern nations lose more people to random acts of jihad and don’t really care. China and India have too many people and the rest of the world doesn’t play soccer.
Moderator: Really? I happen to know for a fact that it’s the most popular sport in the …
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Oh, you know nothing. They play this crude game with no stops but for a half time, minimal advertising, no parents on the touchlines, and the masses following the game. It’s kind of like (winces…) football!
Super-cool ‘Love of the Game’ crazy Dad: It IS football. Not the sport your grandfather taught your brothers… the one with commercials every 30 seconds, tailgating parties and all the padding that our troops in Iraq were deprived of….
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Oh… What do you know of America? You immigrated here from the boorish isles…
Super-cool ‘Love of the Game’ crazy Dad: Hello? We happen to BE America. Who are real Americans anyway? Besides, we brought the beautiful game to this continent… only to be dissed like this…
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Oh no, you didn’t. It’s an invention of the upper middle class pacifist baby boomers to keep their kids from playing popular and violent sports, and to distinguish ourselves from the masses…
Super-cool ‘Love of the Game’ crazy Dad: But it is a game of the masses… everywhere in the world…
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Not in the world I know.
Moderator: Ok… let’s summarize. In one word each; please describe what you think of players wearing soccer headgear in the major leagues.
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Who cares? It's not something my kids'll do anyway... they're going to be doctors, lawyers ...
Super-cool ‘Love of the Game’ crazy Dad: Wuss
And as homage to Letterman and his top ten lists,
Top Arguments for Soccer Headgear
10. We need to raise GPAs in upper middle class schools as per the “No child left behind” program.
9. Nike stocks are dropping.
8. We need to repackage the sport as “football” and make players look like the padded man-mountains…. And maybe we can slip in a round ball.
7. Upper middle class folk have to justify going to the sports store to buy more leotards for their secret underground sessions of step aerobics.
6. Using it as an excuse for performing below urban (read poor) standards has run its course.
5. Slacking parents have to pretend to show great concern for their kids and it sure beats giving up their social lives for the cause.
4. Parents can’t be bothered teaching the kids the real soccer essentials… so this is the next best thing.
3. We need to differentiate ourselves from the crazy-assed ‘football’ players in the rest of the world.
2. It gives room for manufacturers to add radio receivers on the gear so coaches can micro-manage plays.
1. We can start a new league, not popularize the old sport with the new gear, call it our own sport, play amongst ourselves, and claim to be world champions.
Sure, I’m probably biased against the use of headgear, etc…. but somebody has to speak out against this lunacy.
Moderator: What do you think of the use of soccer headgear in kids’ leagues?
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: I am glad the use of soccer headgear is catching on rapidly in the leagues my kids play in. It’s been shown over time that heading the ball is the largest contributor to concussions on the field after banging heads, contact with the ground, running into goalposts, smacking one’s head with the palm of the right hand over missed goal opportunities and post-scoring celebrations.
Super-cool ‘Love of the Game’ crazy Dad: Ah... let them play. They’re only getting tougher this way. What are you going to do next? Strap on simulator headgear so they can run and slide and tackle the other team (probably on a different field altogether) virtually?
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Not a bad idea, actually…
Super-cool ‘Love of the Game’ crazy Dad: Shoot! I was being sarcastic….
Moderator: You have raised an interesting point… Does that mean you aim to lobby for the ban of post game celebrations and players piling on each other right after they score?
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Absolutely. That’s the next item on my agenda. Kids have no business celebrating. If any of it needs to be done, we will do it on their behalf on a practice field right by the game pitch.
Super-cool ‘Love of the Game’ crazy Dad: Hmm… I suppose I wouldn’t mind THAT if moms were involved too… (Chuckles…)
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Creep! Stop being gross….
Super-cool ‘Love of the Game’ crazy Dad: Well, you suggested it. I was just considering feasibility.
Moderator: Returning to the issue at hand, why do you suppose this issue is under consideration only in the US (where it’s not a big sport) and not in, say, European countries – where its popularity is second to none?
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Ok, let’s see… the Irish and Scots are too drunk to care, the Germans probably think it’s a great skull strengthening exercise, the French don’t have much to lose, the Middle Eastern nations lose more people to random acts of jihad and don’t really care. China and India have too many people and the rest of the world doesn’t play soccer.
Moderator: Really? I happen to know for a fact that it’s the most popular sport in the …
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Oh, you know nothing. They play this crude game with no stops but for a half time, minimal advertising, no parents on the touchlines, and the masses following the game. It’s kind of like (winces…) football!
Super-cool ‘Love of the Game’ crazy Dad: It IS football. Not the sport your grandfather taught your brothers… the one with commercials every 30 seconds, tailgating parties and all the padding that our troops in Iraq were deprived of….
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Oh… What do you know of America? You immigrated here from the boorish isles…
Super-cool ‘Love of the Game’ crazy Dad: Hello? We happen to BE America. Who are real Americans anyway? Besides, we brought the beautiful game to this continent… only to be dissed like this…
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Oh no, you didn’t. It’s an invention of the upper middle class pacifist baby boomers to keep their kids from playing popular and violent sports, and to distinguish ourselves from the masses…
Super-cool ‘Love of the Game’ crazy Dad: But it is a game of the masses… everywhere in the world…
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Not in the world I know.
Moderator: Ok… let’s summarize. In one word each; please describe what you think of players wearing soccer headgear in the major leagues.
Overbearing Hyperactive Soccer Mom: Who cares? It's not something my kids'll do anyway... they're going to be doctors, lawyers ...
Super-cool ‘Love of the Game’ crazy Dad: Wuss
And as homage to Letterman and his top ten lists,
Top Arguments for Soccer Headgear
10. We need to raise GPAs in upper middle class schools as per the “No child left behind” program.
9. Nike stocks are dropping.
8. We need to repackage the sport as “football” and make players look like the padded man-mountains…. And maybe we can slip in a round ball.
7. Upper middle class folk have to justify going to the sports store to buy more leotards for their secret underground sessions of step aerobics.
6. Using it as an excuse for performing below urban (read poor) standards has run its course.
5. Slacking parents have to pretend to show great concern for their kids and it sure beats giving up their social lives for the cause.
4. Parents can’t be bothered teaching the kids the real soccer essentials… so this is the next best thing.
3. We need to differentiate ourselves from the crazy-assed ‘football’ players in the rest of the world.
2. It gives room for manufacturers to add radio receivers on the gear so coaches can micro-manage plays.
1. We can start a new league, not popularize the old sport with the new gear, call it our own sport, play amongst ourselves, and claim to be world champions.
Sure, I’m probably biased against the use of headgear, etc…. but somebody has to speak out against this lunacy.
posted by Harish at 10:00
2 Comments:
Ridiculous.....
Did it actually happen? Maan it's gross.
Some of these White Anglo-Saxons are so bloody Xenophobic! And for all the bigmouth "US is the world and the world is the US" idiots, let the losers enjoy their baseball.... Soccer is better without the US. Seriously.
Hell, I even work for a white anglo-saxon organization! Ask me!
Ginsoakedboy
You mean "did it happen" as in is this a transcript? Nope. It's just a reflection of what might be... pretty soon.
Hmm... before I dismiss the US as a xenophobic nation and dismiss soccer... I think we need to be a little careful. Reports suggest it's the largest growing market for soccer (football) and has the greatest upside. What's more, it may turn out to be really great - once it makes it to mainstream... and goes beyond being a medium for upper class snobbery. Quite ironic really... considering it's a medium of the masses elsewhere.
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